Progress Report

                Here we are. It’s halfway through the year 2013. Isn’t that a weird thought? A year always seems like such a long time but then you blink and it’s almost gone. With that thought I figured I would give a progress report on the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. Let’s recap shall we? I promised to:

                                Better myself spiritually

                                Better myself physically

                                Write more

                                Get no lower than a “B” in every class I register

                                Go on my first date

                So, how did I do? Well, here we go…

                With the “better myself spiritually” portion I feel that I can be hit and miss. I don’t like that and I’m still working on it. I’ve still got a long way to go but I feel like I’m slowly working my way to where I should be.

                Better myself physically? I’m doing pretty well, actually. Since December I’ve lost roughly thirty pounds. I started jogging (inconsistently but it’s something) and I’m planning to run a half marathon next spring. The furthest I’ve jogged without stopping is two miles. I know that isn’t really that big of a deal but it made me feel really good (after I was done hyperventilating of course.) I’m attending a friend’s wedding in August and my goal is to look really good once it rolls around.

                Well, I could have done better with the whole, “write more” goal. I’ve written a little but not nearly enough. If I really want to be a full time writer some day then I have to stop making excuses and just write. I’m working on a short story now and I have an idea for a novel I want to write. I just have to force myself to do it.

                Ok, this next one I completely failed at and I feel really stupid about. I didn’t want to get lower than a “B” in any of my classes and, unfortunately, that didn’t happen. I actually failed my math classt (only partially my fault) and I got a “C” in my History class. I didn’t want it to happen but it did and there is nothing I can do about it now. It sucks but it’s done and over now.

                And lastly, I vowed to go on my first date. Hmmm, well, that still hasn’t happened either. I would like to do this and I imagine it will happen at some point in the next six months; I’m just not certain on the “when’’ right now.

                So, there you have it. I’m not nearly as far along as I could/should be but I’m also not too bad off. I just have to keep my focus where it needs to be and I believe I can come out of this year a better person.

                That’s it for now, I guess. I hope to update again soon because I’ve got some life decisions I hope to have finalized soon. Until then, may your swords stay sharp and your mind clear.

Friendzone redefined...

                The Friendzone. What does that make you think of? For most people it makes their hearts sink. Hearing those two words, “just friends,” is enough to knock the wind out of someone’s sails. For the longest time that was how I felt. To be honest, I’ve spent roughly 20 years in the dreaded friendzone. I used to hate it. I would get so frustrated when I would pursue someone and then get buffeted back. In the past 6-7 months, however, I’ve begun to learn what a blessing that zone really is.

                With almost every girl I’ve ever pursued over the past 2-3 years I ended up either put in the friend box or ignored completely. For the longest time I hated this. I felt so defeated and useless. I didn’t realize what God was saying to me each time. You see, I have a tendency to see something I want and then put all of my efforts into it, no matter the possible problems. I ignore the still, small voice in my head saying that I need to back off and chill. When I look back at the girls I was interested in I sometimes want to kick myself. It is so obvious to me now that they were not right for me. But, because I wanted it, I ignored the signs and allowed myself to get hurt. It’s taken a lot of time but I think I’m finally learning to wait.

                What is wrong with the friendzone? You have a friend, who happens to be of the opposite sex, who you spend time investing in each other’s lives with no ulterior motive. There is nothing wrong with having a friend like this. Why would you want to run pell-mell into a relationship with someone you barely know? I’m guilty of trying these kinds of relationships. They don’t work. You have GOT to know who you are dating, especially as a Christian.

The secular view of dating is so skewed and wrong. The problem we Christians are facing is that we are trying to do what we see on tv. We see a happy couple in what looks like a stable relationship and say, “Oooo, pretty, I want one.” We then jump into a relationship with the first attractive person we meet. The truth is that television dating and real life Christian dating are two totally different things. Television dating is all about what can I get out of this relationship. It is sex focused and feeling focused and completely ignores the basic human need for companionship outside of sex.

The Christian way of dating isn’t to see who can make you feel good and who will do the most for you. The proper way is to see who you can make happy. Who can you invest in? There is a quote that I’ve heard and seen a lot over the past few years. I don’t know who said it but I find it so powerful:

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships – the ones that last – are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is… suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”

Isn’t that great? It is so true! You cannot have a successful relationship without being friends first. It will not work.

As the days go by...

            Well, it happened. I’m officially an adult. I don’t feel any different. Still confused about life, still a struggling college student, and still wanting to become more. To me age seems to be just a number now. It used to be a big deal to me, but I don’t think the same way I used to. I’ve passed all of the “important milestone” birthdays that I care about so far. The next big one for me I guess would be thirty. I can wait 10 years for that.

            I spent my birthday with my friends this year. It was weird being away from home for the first time on my birthday. Thankfully I have an amazing group of friends that can always make me feel good. I find myself relying more and more on them. I was such a different person before I met them.

            Last Saturday I found myself thinking over everything that has happened in the past two years. It was an overwhelming thought. As humans, we don’t really think about how much everything changes day to day. It isn’t until we sit down and reflect that we realize just how much is different. Two years ago I was planning my senior trip to New York City. One year ago I was at home watching a movie with my dad and sulking over a girl I had no chance with (I’m thankful this didn’t happen now). This year I spent with my friends. Who knows what the next year will bring? Will this be the year that God leads my future wife to me? No idea. Will I get the perfect job by my next birthday? I doubt it. I just need to continue forcing myself to trust that His Will is perfect. I need to relax. God, help me to relax.

Philipians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Matthew 6:34 “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”

            

Simple question, complicated answer...

                What is church? No, really, what is it? Is it the buildings where we meet a few times a week to have someone talk about God? Is it simply the gathering of fellow believers in an attempt to draw closer to God? In my opinion, yes, it is both of those. But It is also so much more.

                Two weeks ago I had a huge group of people in my home. This was an interesting experience for me because I was the only host since my parents were in Florida. This is the first time in my life where I have such a large and diverse group of friends. I count them as more than friends too. They are my family. They are my church.

                We had a blast that weekend. All three days there was a different group of people who showed up. Some of them new friends some of them old friends; I even had my sister and brother-in-law over. I cooked for everyone and we played games and laughed and watched movies. We bonded. We relaxed.

                I have to confess, I did feel a little overwhelmed at times, a little bit of sensory overload if you will. But it was ok because I was with people I love. By far, my favorite night was Saturday. Saturday night was what got me asking this question of church. I think it is so much more than most Christians realize.

                After the food had been eaten, the kitchen cleaned and a movie finished, the large group of people that had come to my house began to dwindle down into a much more intimate group of friends. We then decided to take some time and just reflect on everything God had done for us and was still doing for us. We shared things that we disliked about ourselves and stuff that we struggle with. We lifted God up and thanked Him for all He had done. We told each other why we loved each other. We simply bonded. We held a miniature church service at 2 A.M. on a Saturday night.

                This is why I ask this question. Christians seem to get lost in the routine and traditional. For me, I have always felt God more when I am with a small group of friends than I ever have in a traditional church service. I felt God that night and it felt amazing.

                Now, don’t get me wrong. I still believe that the more traditional view of church is an important aspect of Christianity. We need a man (or woman) of God in our lives who is used as the mouthpiece of our Lord. What we need to remember is that the church is not just a building. The church is the people. The church is a small group of friends struggling through college and sharing their hurts and praying together. The church is a pastor preaching to his flock the words God has laid on his heart. The church is so so much more!

The Bible says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Mathew 18:20

We need to keep this in mind. We need to stop trying to keep God in our traditional little box.

Would ya look at that...

                Huh, it’s February already. More and more I am amazed at how fast time seems to pass. I remember whining in elementary school about having to wait for something for five minutes and now I just laugh. Five minutes is nothing to a busy college student/ working adult.

                Since it is now February that means that I have less than two months before my birthday. I will officially step out of the teenager skin and become a true adult. It’s weird to think of that. So much has happened over the last year. So much has happened over the last two months really.

                I have a favorite movie.  Now, this isn’t really that interesting or even that uncommon. What may surprise you, however, is what movie is my favorite is. Most people would automatically assume that my favorite movie is one of the Star Wars films. This is a common misconception (don’t I sound all business-like) though. While I adore Star Wars and it is definitely my favorite franchise, I do, in fact, have a different movie as my favorite. What is it you ask? (Or at least, I imagine you are asking. For all I know you don’t even care. But, if you don’t care, why are you reading this now?)

                The Count of Monte Cristo is my favorite movie of all time. It is the story of love, betrayal and, overall, the  redemption one can feel. While it is mostly a tale of Edmond Dantes’ vengeance on those who wronged him, it touches heavily on the emptiness one can be left with when their goal in life is to harm others.

                It also has a ton of great quotes. One of those quotes I have burned into my memory. I’ve used it as a monologue during an audition for a play (I didn’t get the part) and I’ve used it as the opening to a speech (that was actually really fun). I’ve even used it as my Facebook status multiple times. Here it is, with a few changes and embellishments by yours truly. (If I quoted it word for word it would make less sense. It is meant as a birthday toast to young Albert)

“Life is a storm. You will bask in sunlight one moment and be dashed on the rocks the next. What matters most is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that gale and shout, ‘Do your worst! For I will do mine!’ Only then will the world be able to see you for who you really are.”

                I find that so moving. That’s what I’ve been thinking about a lot recently because it happens to me often. I will be fine and then I will see something or think of something and demons from the past will come back to haunt me. But, I know that that’s just life. Life is hard sometimes, but, if you can’t handle the bad, I don’t think you deserve the good.

Expert Mode Activated...

Expert Mode Activated…

                Well hey there, it’s been awhile. I guess my last post talking about how I intended to post more often kinda fell through. Sorry, but, I’m a busy person.  Okay, that’s not really true. I’m a lazy person would be much more accurate. But, I’m here now and I’m typing words. Maybe I can actually get something good to say. A lot has happened over the past few months but I’m still working on processing it. This post isn’t going to be some big insightful story either. So, if you were looking for help, sorry. (I ramble a lot when I write!)

                You know how in video games there are usually different modes? Like, say, when playing Lego Star Wars, there is Padawan, Jedi Knight, and Master? In other games it probably says something more normal like: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Expert. I chose the Lego one though because I like Star Wars. Get off my back. Anyway, this has a point to it, I promise.

                So, like I said, in video games there are different modes. Based on how much you want to challenge yourself you can choose the respective difficulty. If it proves too hard, you just go down a notch. (If you can’t beat the game on “easy” mode, you should probably just give up. Just saying.) I said all of that to say this. Life and video games are totally different. You don’t get to choose the difficulty level and sometimes it sucks.

                Last summer I felt like I was struggling on “expert” the entire time because no matter what I did it didn’t seem to be enough. I worked over 50 hours a week and still never had anything to show for it. My relationship status wavered and exploded into tiny little bits and, more often than not, I felt like I was constantly getting kicked in the ‘nads. (If I may be blunt.) The whole time I struggled through though, I had help from friends. It was like in that video game where the guy says something like: “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!” then gives you some perfect weapon. (I don’t know what game it is. I’m not really that into games. I just needed something to compare life to.) Well, my friends and family were that perfect weapon that helped me through.

                Wow, that sounded a lot better in my head. Oh well, it’s not like too many people are really gonna read this. Anyway, that’s not really the main point to this post. The main point was close to this: Relationships and dating for me have always been locked into expert mode.

                It always seems like, no matter how hard I try, I’m not able to beat that portion of life into submission. I’ve tried. I’ve tried A LOT. I’m not sure if it’s my fault or not but I’ve just never been successful.

                It’s like this: Imagine that, for me, getting a girlfriend is as difficult as defeating the best and most powerful Pokemon, taking down Galbatorix, Voldemort, and a snarling dragon, and moving objects with my mind all Jedi style.

                It got to the point where, after three failed attempts last year I was content to just stop trying. I didn’t care anymore. This was something that would happen to me a lot when I was playing video games in high school. Once I got fed up with a game, once I had played for hours without advancing at all, I would just stop. Sometimes it would be for only a day; sometimes it was for a few months. This always worked too. After I calmed down I would be able to beat that level or kill that boss with ease.

                I figured that maybe, I was having the same problem with dating so I decided that I was done trying for a while.

                So, here I sit. I’m almost 20 years old and I’m still single. I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m still working on being ok with that. As I type this, Singles Awareness Day  (that’s Valentine’s Day for all of you love birds) looms ever closer and I honestly don’t even care.

                So, yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking. I’m sick of whining about playing life on “expert” and I’m ready to see what’s out there for me. Maybe if I just embrace it, it won’t be so difficult.

To prove how I ramble I have decided to end this post with my resolutions for this year. Yeah, random, I know. Oh well.

In 2013, I plan to:

1.       Better myself Spiritually – With this I hope that whenever life inevitably decides to test me I will be able to handle it with God’s help

2.       Better myself physically – Here I work on myself so that I can better combat the ups and downs of life. What better way to master “expert mode” than to become more physically fit?

3.       Write more – I say I’m a writer but over the past months I’ve become more of a talker. I want to actually begin and/or finish some writing projects.

4.       Get no lower than a “B” in every class I register – This is self-explanatory. I’m paying exorbitant amounts of money to attend college so I guess it would only make sense to try harder.

5.       Go on my first date – Well, yeah, a date would be nice

But, most of all, I want to better understand myself this year. I learned a lot about who I was in 2012 and I want to know myself even better.

Here I go, Expert Mode activate!

A pinch of self-pity

                Who wants to hear about the most trying period of my life? Well, I’ll give a short explanation of my summer. It was filled with heartache, frustration, occasional happiness, and tears. Just a short list of some of what I dealt with: Exhaustion from overwork, car vandalism amounting to over $1000 in repairs, family pet dying, failing two courses, relationship budding, relationship getting crapped on, leaving a church I had grown up in, awesome family vacation, and, most importantly, the best friends I could ever have. It was a busy and confusing summer. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I know that if it wasn’t for my parents and my friends this summer would have crushed my spirit. But I know that it was just God trying me and showing me what I could handle. I’m not saying I enjoyed it and I definitely don’t ever want to be subjected to anything like it again, but, I know it was for the better.

Romans 8:28:  ^“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

P.S. Seriously, Bella, Bart, Caleb, Mom, and Dad, I couldn’t have gotten through this without you. I love you all so much!