Expert Mode Activated...

Expert Mode Activated…

                Well hey there, it’s been awhile. I guess my last post talking about how I intended to post more often kinda fell through. Sorry, but, I’m a busy person.  Okay, that’s not really true. I’m a lazy person would be much more accurate. But, I’m here now and I’m typing words. Maybe I can actually get something good to say. A lot has happened over the past few months but I’m still working on processing it. This post isn’t going to be some big insightful story either. So, if you were looking for help, sorry. (I ramble a lot when I write!)

                You know how in video games there are usually different modes? Like, say, when playing Lego Star Wars, there is Padawan, Jedi Knight, and Master? In other games it probably says something more normal like: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Expert. I chose the Lego one though because I like Star Wars. Get off my back. Anyway, this has a point to it, I promise.

                So, like I said, in video games there are different modes. Based on how much you want to challenge yourself you can choose the respective difficulty. If it proves too hard, you just go down a notch. (If you can’t beat the game on “easy” mode, you should probably just give up. Just saying.) I said all of that to say this. Life and video games are totally different. You don’t get to choose the difficulty level and sometimes it sucks.

                Last summer I felt like I was struggling on “expert” the entire time because no matter what I did it didn’t seem to be enough. I worked over 50 hours a week and still never had anything to show for it. My relationship status wavered and exploded into tiny little bits and, more often than not, I felt like I was constantly getting kicked in the ‘nads. (If I may be blunt.) The whole time I struggled through though, I had help from friends. It was like in that video game where the guy says something like: “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!” then gives you some perfect weapon. (I don’t know what game it is. I’m not really that into games. I just needed something to compare life to.) Well, my friends and family were that perfect weapon that helped me through.

                Wow, that sounded a lot better in my head. Oh well, it’s not like too many people are really gonna read this. Anyway, that’s not really the main point to this post. The main point was close to this: Relationships and dating for me have always been locked into expert mode.

                It always seems like, no matter how hard I try, I’m not able to beat that portion of life into submission. I’ve tried. I’ve tried A LOT. I’m not sure if it’s my fault or not but I’ve just never been successful.

                It’s like this: Imagine that, for me, getting a girlfriend is as difficult as defeating the best and most powerful Pokemon, taking down Galbatorix, Voldemort, and a snarling dragon, and moving objects with my mind all Jedi style.

                It got to the point where, after three failed attempts last year I was content to just stop trying. I didn’t care anymore. This was something that would happen to me a lot when I was playing video games in high school. Once I got fed up with a game, once I had played for hours without advancing at all, I would just stop. Sometimes it would be for only a day; sometimes it was for a few months. This always worked too. After I calmed down I would be able to beat that level or kill that boss with ease.

                I figured that maybe, I was having the same problem with dating so I decided that I was done trying for a while.

                So, here I sit. I’m almost 20 years old and I’m still single. I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m still working on being ok with that. As I type this, Singles Awareness Day  (that’s Valentine’s Day for all of you love birds) looms ever closer and I honestly don’t even care.

                So, yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking. I’m sick of whining about playing life on “expert” and I’m ready to see what’s out there for me. Maybe if I just embrace it, it won’t be so difficult.

To prove how I ramble I have decided to end this post with my resolutions for this year. Yeah, random, I know. Oh well.

In 2013, I plan to:

1.       Better myself Spiritually – With this I hope that whenever life inevitably decides to test me I will be able to handle it with God’s help

2.       Better myself physically – Here I work on myself so that I can better combat the ups and downs of life. What better way to master “expert mode” than to become more physically fit?

3.       Write more – I say I’m a writer but over the past months I’ve become more of a talker. I want to actually begin and/or finish some writing projects.

4.       Get no lower than a “B” in every class I register – This is self-explanatory. I’m paying exorbitant amounts of money to attend college so I guess it would only make sense to try harder.

5.       Go on my first date – Well, yeah, a date would be nice

But, most of all, I want to better understand myself this year. I learned a lot about who I was in 2012 and I want to know myself even better.

Here I go, Expert Mode activate!

A pinch of self-pity

                Who wants to hear about the most trying period of my life? Well, I’ll give a short explanation of my summer. It was filled with heartache, frustration, occasional happiness, and tears. Just a short list of some of what I dealt with: Exhaustion from overwork, car vandalism amounting to over $1000 in repairs, family pet dying, failing two courses, relationship budding, relationship getting crapped on, leaving a church I had grown up in, awesome family vacation, and, most importantly, the best friends I could ever have. It was a busy and confusing summer. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I know that if it wasn’t for my parents and my friends this summer would have crushed my spirit. But I know that it was just God trying me and showing me what I could handle. I’m not saying I enjoyed it and I definitely don’t ever want to be subjected to anything like it again, but, I know it was for the better.

Romans 8:28:  ^“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

P.S. Seriously, Bella, Bart, Caleb, Mom, and Dad, I couldn’t have gotten through this without you. I love you all so much!

Now, for something a little bit different...

                Wow, it really has been a long time. I think I’m going to try to shift gears a little bit for this blog. When I first started it during my senior year of high school, it was merely a way for me to show off some of what I had written. I posted my favorite writings and hoped people would comment on them. Once I finished that Literature class, I didn’t have anything else to post so I stopped updating the blog. When I started my freshman year of college I was filled with a slew of new emotions and writing suddenly became easy. I updated my blog with a bunch of new poems, none of them particularly good, but I was proud. Then, during spring semester I took a course in Creative Writing and from that came even more poems and even stories. The last post I made, the one before this one, was the beginning of a story that I was trying to form. I was asking for input and I hoped to complete it over the summer. Unfortunately, I haven’t done much writing over the past five months.

                This blog used to just be works I completed for school or occasional poems. I’m gonna change that. The title of the blog is “Dork Thoughts” and I’m going to try to move back to that. From now on, it will be my thoughts, as a self-professed and proud dork. It could be on any subject from politics to Christianity. It will be my views on the matter. I have been meaning to do it for a while now but finally decided to take Yoda’s advice. “Do or do not. There is no try.” So, here it goes. These are my thoughts on life in general. I hope you enjoy and disagree with me once in a while. The way I see it, if nobody ever disagreed with anybody, the world would be a very boring place. 

So... I'm currently working on a story. A story that was originally supposed to be a short prompt for my Creative Writing class. It kind of grew into something more. It isn't finished but I'll let you see the the intro. Tell me what you think!

 The Tale of Fareofia

In the ancient land of Langoen there was the mighty kingdom of Fareofia. Ruled by the noble King Xander and Queen Emelia, the people of Fareofia lived happy and peaceful lives... 

But there was an ever present darkness in all of their hearts, for a mighty beast terrorized the land. This creature, known to the inhabitants of Fareofia only as Helsfyre, was never seen in more than glances. But what they saw struck fear into the hearts of the fiercest warriors. 

Desperate, the king and queen sent forth a decree, begging that anyone brave enough to take on Helsfyre step forward...

I Am Yours

I Am Yours

I feel as helpless as a nail in the Carpenter’s hands.

He steadies me and readies me, preparing me for what is to come.

The plan is to drive me forward, through this life, into the next.

I am being forced to combat the hardness of this wooden world.

It is for my own good that He does this.

I am a sodden pile of mud and clay.

But You would never see me for what I am now.

You see me for what I can be, through You.

You shape me and mold me into something beautiful.

As I dry, your fingerprints become a part of me, identifying me.

I am a block of immovable granite, but You know better.

Once again, you look past the outside, into what I can become.

You come to me with your chisel and hammer.

Slowly, you work away the excess of me.

Sanding me down, chipping away, making me new.

After all of this, You look on me, You smile.

I look to You, tears filling my eyes, the transition was hard.

Every step I took with you hurt, every cut and chip.

But You never left me, you never changed your mind.

You looked at me and smiled Your warmest smile.

You said I was Yours and You were mine.

The tears flowed freely from my eyes and I embraced you, forever changed.

The Dream Trap

The Dream Trap

We sleep.

We dream.

We wish.

When our reality falls short

of what we expect,

tears come.

Curses are thrown.

“Why Lord?”

“Why?”

We pay no mind to what is,

We only dwell on what isn’t.

We care not for what could be,

We only think on what didn’t.

God smiles and presents

HIS Perfect Will.

We don't care.

We ignore.

We are busy thinking

and struggling for what we cannot have.

Are our dreams that important?

No…. not really

But we chase them anyway.

If we finally catch one, we rejoice!

But our happiness is fragile.

Before too long,

we realize that we want more.

Joy

 is as fleeting

as the setting sun.

It shines,

So bright for a time,

and then

 fades

into darkness.

It may have been brilliant

and beautiful for that short time,

but it still fades.

Then,

A new idea streaks

Into view.

We follow,

Determined to be happy.

But chasing

shooting stars

just makes

us

tired.

Instead of hoping for what could be,

Instead of running around wildly,

Think on what is.

Think on what God is calling you to be.

Our life is HIS.

Life

Life

I was happy.

I was free of worries.

I loved life.

Then it happened.

That day, the truth came out.

People were hurt and crying.

I was crying too.

But then I got over it.

I moved on.

Life went on.

The pain still stung every once in a while.

Like a wound from a Mordor blade,

the wound would never truly heal.

I believed I was okay.

I went about my life again,

acting like nothing happened.

A new light came into our world,

so soon after one had gone.

We rejoiced.

We were happy.

Life didn’t like that.

Then the sickness came,

and with it more sorrow.

I lost my grandma that day.

My mommy lost her mommy.

Our family changed.

I moved on,

following my path to adulthood.

I tried so hard to hold onto what I once pushed away.

I had to let go.

I did.

I was okay.

I spent my time toiling away,

hoping I wouldn’t regret it.

I do,

and I don’t.

Life was happening.

I was okay with that.

Then that day came.

Then more tears came.

Then our lives changed again.

I feel as though I lost something.

Something I didn’t even know I had.

I lost a friend.

I lost some hope.

The pain from that wound so long ago,

reopened with a new vengeance.

I felt empty.

Then life changed again.

I moved into my new life,

feeling unprepared and worried.

I managed.

I scraped through that time,

all the while looking toward the end.

I made it.

I was so happy.

Then I toiled and worked some more.

I gave up my relaxation.

I gave up my rest.

Then, I came back.

But something was different.

I felt more empty.

I feel more empty.

I look back at what once used to be.

I look back at what I hated.

I know I’m a fool.

I miss those times.

I miss my life before that first stab.

The first cut from that long gone friend,

Tearing my heart,

breaking my soul.

It was so needless.

It was so painful.

Life was more simple.

Life goes on.